Nighthawk's Confession
by TofuGirl
Summary: Xander confesses something pretty important to his journal.


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bNighthawk's Confession/b br

by TofuGirl.br

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i****bThis story takes place right about the time of "Dead Man's Party," which is episode 2 of season 3, since that's where I was in watching the show's reruns of FX when I wrote this**.**/b/ip

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Journal Entry: brbr

It's been three weeks, four days, eleven hours, and twenty-one minutes since Buffy disappeared. I still don't even understand what happened. One minute I was untying a very bloody, sweaty (and somewhat delerious) Giles from a rickety chair, while Buffy was beating Angel to a bloody pulp (yay, her), and Drusilla was angrily attacking my favorite bleached bombshell, Spike; and the next minute we're all in the library (yeah, something new and different) wondering what happened to Buffy.p

I think about her insessantly. I wonder where she is, what she's doing, if she's slaying or not. And then sometimes I wonder what she's wearing, if she's naked, if she's thinking about me. (And, I have to admit: for that period of about twenty-five minutes immediately following "Baywatch," I wonder if Buffy's naked uand/u thinking about me. But I digress)p

Everything's just weird without her. We all miss her, but we never say it. Willow's got this "past tense rule" that prevents us from mentioning her as if she's dead. But late at night, after we've made our pathetically less-than-adequate, and certainly not up-to-Slayer-standard rounds, I do think that she's dead. Will says Buffy is most certainly unot/u dead--that she would be able to "feel" it if Buffy had died. (As a random side note, this whole "Willow as a witch" thing totally weirds me out. I'm suddenly very mindful to not piss her off, b/c what if she like, turns me into some terribly horrific creature--like Michael Jackson, or what if she turns me into some terribly horrific impotent, gender-neutral monster--like Michael Jackson?)p

The fact that Cordelia's gone for the summer does not help matters much, either. It was much easier to avoid all of my Buffy-ish thoughts when Cordy had her tan arms wrapped passionately around my neck. Cordy and I may be "dating" or whatever, but that doesn't make me suddenly forget my feelings for Buffythe feelings I've not-so-secretly harbored for two years now. Cordy never pretended our relationship was something it's not. Deep down, she knew how I really felt about Buffy, and she was okay with it. I'm not saying she wasn't jealous, b/c hey, let's face it: I'm a strapping young manwhat girl uwouldn't/u be somewhat resentful about my love of another? But she understood. Cordy never pretended we were serious. (But we do unquestionably enjoy each other, don't we?)p

Anyway, so Will contends that Buffy's still alivefighting the forces of evil in some other town. But I so disagree. Buffy must be dead. If she's still alive and not here in Sunnydale, what does that say about us? Why would she stay away? Will hates to think that she's dead, but I hate to think that she isn't dead. If she's still alive and avoiding us, then I've got to face facts--she left b/c I lied to her.p

Well, I didn't exactly ulie/u to her. I just withheld vital information that could've (and would've) changed her course of action. I knew that Willow had a way to restore Angel's soul. I knew Willow was going to try to restore Angel's soul. I knewand I didn't tell her.p

When I try to justify why I didn't tell Buffy the truth, I always come up with the same reason: Buffy is better off without Angel. He was an evil, blood-sucking demontotally unable to experience true love, or any human emotion, actually. Buffy deserves better than that, doesn't she? She deserves someone who knows her, who understands her, who understands what she has to do in this life. Someone who can support that mission, and help her to fight the evil brewing in this little happy town of ours. (Perhaps someone likeme).p

Call me crazy, but I think that a uvampire/u just can't fulfill all of those things. Yeah, they all say that Angel was different than the rest of the vampires, that he was a ugood/u vampire. But I still contend that that phrase, "good vampire" is a ridiculous contention of oxymoronical proportions. (Yeah, way long words, huh? I heard Dr. Drew say that once on "Love Line" about a "recovered wife-beater." I even wrote it down. I knew it would come in handy someday).p

I do not feel guilty about not telling Buffy about the possibility of reestablishing Angel's soul. I know that I did what was right for Buffy. Even if she doesn't see it now, she'll appreciate it with time.p 

Who the hell am I kidding here? This is my journala journal is supposed to be honest100% honest, not politician honest. I admit it. I udo/u feel guilty. I feel totally responsible for Buffy's disappearance. She killed Angel. She killed the one man she loved more than life. If I had told her about Willow's plan, she wouldn't have sent her demon-lover to Hell. If I told her the truth, she may still be here in Sunnydale. She may have been with Angel, but at least she would've been happy.p

So here is my vow: if Buffy uis/u alive, if she ever comes home, I promise to make it up to her somehow. I'm not sure I have the courage to tell her that I held the truth from her, but I uwill/u make it up to her. I'll try each day to put her needs and desires above my own. That's what people in love do for each other--they want only to make that special person happy.p

And since I am truly in love with Buffy, I will strive to make her happyeven if that means facing her adoration (and maybe even love) for other guys. (But I can still secretly wish for that guy to be Xander Harris, can't I?)p

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